awkward silence (×̯×)

we our exam in p.e today :"> we need serve balls (volleyball), there would be 10 balls, if the ball would go outside the court or if it wouldn't reach the other court then it's minus 5 per ball. i luckily got 6 balls in so i had 85! HOORAYYYYYYYYYYY (｡◕‿◕｡)

BUT!!! my heart t_t

i don't hate him. i still like him, i guess, that's what i feel(?) right now. i don't know. i'm not sure.

after those incidents, i have been observing the way he treats me, and it was quite normal though there are really times that we had this awkward silence especially when the topic shifts from random to 'broken hearts', 'love life' or the like. for me, i would try to be not affected if he says he doesn't like me. i mean, why would i make him like me if he doesn't? i won't make him happy in that case right? 

i quite noticed that whenever i mention a name of a boy or go squealing about something cute or, in our language, pag kinikilig ako or something, he'd suddenly become quiet. i don't know -_- but that's what my eyes see. or am i wrong? 

this afternoon, me and my friends had some random ideas to have our crushes' second name as our imaginary boyfriend's name. we are planning to fool people that we have boyfriends or a special someone. we acted like we had someone we liked and was acting blooming and such. i was checking his expressions from time to time. i don't know but he was not like the person i knew before. he wasn't saying some random useless funny things and was not laughing like crazy. he was too quiet. when my friend (who agreed to act with me) started to tease me about that imaginary boyfriend, i would check his reaction, and my expectation was wrong. i don't see gladness in his eyes at all. i don't know -_- 

i really know what he feels like. i wanna let him know what i feel like too. i don't want to get confused of this kind of things anymore. it's quite annoying.


i really want to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. but how ? i don't like him pitying at me. i am not to be pitied.
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